Ugly

This is one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard and it’s not even a break-up song… What a depressing song. At least the MV isn’t sad. I was expecting a more dramatic MV.

밝게 웃어보지만
내 맘에 들지 않아
난 예쁘지 않아 아름답지 않아
Oh oh oh oh x2

노랠 불러보지만
아무도 듣지 않아
난 예쁘지 않아 아름답지 않아
Oh oh oh oh x2

난 왜 이렇게 못난 걸까
어떡하면 나도 너처럼 환하게 웃어볼 수 있을까
또 화가나 왜 늘 완벽하지 못해
이 깨진 거울 속 못난 모습을 향해 탓하기만 해

쳐다보지마 지금 이 느낌이 싫어 난
어디론가 숨고만 싶어 벗어 나고 싶어
이 세상은 거짓말

I think I’m ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be pretty
Don’t lie to my face tellin’ me I’m pretty

I think I’m ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be pretty
Don’t lie to my face cuz I know I’m ugly

날 쉽게 이해한다고 하지마
못 생기고 삐뚤어진 내 마음이 널 원망할지도 몰라
말 시키지마 난 너와 어울리지 못해
그 잘난 눈빛 속 차가운 가식이 날 숨막히게 해

다가오지마 너의 관심조차 싫어 난
어디론가 떠나고 싶어 소리 치고 싶어
이 세상은 거짓말

I think I’m ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be pretty
Don’t lie to my face tellin’ me I’m pretty

I think I’m ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be pretty
Don’t lie to my face cuz I know I’m ugly

All alone
I’m all alone X2
따뜻함이란 없어
곁엔 아무도 없어

All alone I’m all alone X2
I’m always all alone

따뜻함이란 없어
곁엔 그 누구도 날 안아줄 사람 없어

I think I’m ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be pretty
Don’t lie to my face tellin’ me I’m pretty

I think I’m ugly
And nobody wants to love me
Just like her I wanna be pretty I wanna be pretty
Don’t lie to my face cuz I know I’m ugly

Fate Love Story Part 2

Part 2 of 인연:

My first love story began in kindergarten. I didn’t know at that time, but years and years later, when I reflected, I am pretty sure this guy had a crush on me.

I was deathly shy when I was a kid. I NEVER talked. I only started talking when I got to the first grade, and even then I only talked to my friends during recess. I never talked in class and to people who weren’t my friends. I never talked to anyone when I was in kindergarten. I only talked to my parents when I got home from school. I never opened my mouth outside my house.

There was this boy in kindergarten. I don’t remember his name, and I don’t even really remember what he looked like. All I remember is that he had chocolate brown hair and it was a bob with bangs. Since I never talked, I didn’t have any friends. He was the only person who was nice to me and he smiled at me every day. One day my parents decided to move to a better neighborhood. I had to move to a different kindergarten school. My mom told my teacher days in advance that I would be moving, so my teacher announced it to the class. On the last day, everyone was so nice to me and hugged me and lifted me up and swung me around (they were really strong girls). That boy smiled at me every day, but on my last day he was sulking and didn’t talk to me at all. I didn’t have any 눈치 (intuition) back then, so I didn’t even realize that he was upset. What was so cute was that he wore a suit on my last day. He wore a suit to school and gelled back his bangs. Imagine a little five-year-old doing that. SO CUTE.

Why didn’t you talk to me?? I don’t have any pictures, so I can’t even find him anymore.

Looking for: brunette boy who went to Elsie Johnson School in Hanover Park during 1995-1996. Contact me. LOL.

 


 

[Leviticus 6]

Fate Love Story Part 1

Sorry I haven’t been writing. I update significantly less when I am at home on break. I got lazier on tumblr as well. I’m never really in the mood to be connected with the world when I’m on break from school and I don’t keep in touch with friends either. What the heck do I do with my time then? I have no clue. Time seems to fly by even though I literally don’t do anything. I blog a lot more when I’m busy or stressed.

I had a few entries in mind so I will divide them into different parts.

Korean dramas, or Koreans in general, are so obsessed with the idea of fate. Specifically fate of the relationship between two people. They call it 인연. I’ll share 3 stories of who I could have had this “인연” with.

Part 1:

My aunt from Korea recently visited Chicago because her daughter (my cousin) gave birth. We had a family gathering and she brought up the topic of this boy in Korea.

I followed this aunt to Korea when I was 13. It was my first time ever going to Korea and I was going alone, without knowing anyone. My uncle is a doctor, so his family is rich. My aunt took me to her friend’s plastic surgery clinic. She forced me to get my beauty marks (점) removed at the plastic surgery place without even telling me beforehand. I still remember the smell of the surgery room and the lights and lying on the bed. It was so painful, so I was crying. My aunt and her friend were talking while I was still sniffling and crying from the pain after the procedure. My aunt and her friend wanted to set me up with her friend’s son who was 16 or so at that time. They really wanted us to get married. They pressured me to meet this 오빠, but I said I didn’t want to meet him because I was 13 and had no intention of getting a boyfriend, let alone meet my future spouse. Plus I would be in Korea for less than a month. My aunt’s friend kept on saying I was pretty and wanted me as her daughter-in-law. Awkward.

At the family gathering, my aunt brought up this guy again. It’s been 8 years. I think she still wants us to get married. My mom cut her off saying that she shouldn’t talk nonsense because I would not meet a boy in Korea since I am planning to live in the U.S. forever. I thought it was weird how she brought him up. I don’t know anything about this guy besides the fact that he’s older than me. Now that I’m 21, I’m slightly worried about my nonexistent love life. Maybe I should meet this guy, but I doubt I ever will. I’m hoping to go to Korea in the future. I wonder if my aunt will bring him up again if I go to Korea. We’ll see.

[Exodus 25]

I stopped doing my QTs for awhile, but now I’m back on track. I have a long way to go.

Mom

https://crazyforjuice.wordpress.com/2010/05/09/happy-mothers-day/

Every mother’s day is the same. I’m a terrible, selfish daughter. I can never tell my mom “happy mother’s day” or that I love her because it’s so awkward. I can’t express my emotions well. I’ve been slowly breaking down though, especially in tears. I have become super sensitive. My mom got surgery last Friday and was discharged from the hospital today. When I called her today, she was in so much pain and it broke my heart. She purposely doesn’t call me because she doesn’t want to bother me. That makes me worse of a daughter. I’m scared to go home to see my weak mom; she has always been the “super mom.” No wonder I’m so spoiled.

[Exodus 8]

First Bar Experience

Oh goodness. I don’t know if I should have gone to Flip Night. I wanted to socialize with my cognitive psychology friends and celebrate the ending of our ridiculous class (although we are still not completely done yet). I didn’t think this through about rumors and backlash.

No one would have known that we, or more like ME, were drinking if not for this picture:

I feel like I have hindered people, although they say that I’m cute since it was my first time drinking and that I was simply being influenced. It was a mistake to go to the library tipsy. I swear I was NOT DRUNK. I didn’t realize how red I could get though. And, I also did not know that we were reeking with the smell of alcohol. This was my first time actually drinking. I’ve had sips here and there and drank fruity beverages on my birthday. I had about 3 cans of beer–they were in cups, so it was harder to calculate. And peer pressure sucks. My parents have high tolerance, so I thought I would too. I guess tolerance level is purely acquired. I have much paler skin than my parents too–should have thought that out.

I’m so embarrassed. I wasn’t drunk, but I hate that I could have hindered someone. I’m known to be quiet, church girl Jane. There is such a fine line of how much alcohol is allowed and actively serving in church. The standards differ for everyone.  To others, my coolness level may have gone up too.

I was definitely feeling more tipsy as the hours passed. Once I got dropped off at home, I threw up. Never did I imagine that I would throw up from alcohol. I thought this scenario would never happen to me. And it confuses me because I wasn’t drunk. I slept for about 2 hours, but now I’m up because I can’t seem to sleep. It’s been almost 8 hours since I had my sip of alcohol and I still don’t feel very sober. I’m still very dizzy and sick to my stomach.

Drinking on a Wednesday night during finals week. I guess it’s a once in a lifetime experience (unless if this happens again next year -_-).

I guess I can’t really regret it since it already happened. I’m kinda scared to run into more people today. I hope Rebekah doesn’t upload the other picture because I look super drunk there. It was a really bad candid shot. What I realized today: I get the Asian glow, I’m too scared to test my tolerance, and I don’t know if I ever want to drink again.

Please don’t judge me :(

[Exodus 8] I have been slacking :(

Commitment

I actually enjoyed the cantata at the Easter service. hahaha. It’s my third year, but this is the first year I actually paid attention. I don’t remember the previous years at all. Maybe I was sleeping? Everyone dreads the cantata. Yes, it’s super long and it’s in Korean. But I found it so interesting. It was a combination of monologues and singing. It really brought out the drama of Jesus being crucified and being risen. This year’s passion week was so blah for me. The past years, I spent a lot of time meditating and doing QTs specifically for passion week, but this year I got lazy or something. I was successful during Lent though. I gave up tumblr and was able to stay off for 46 days. I wouldn’t say that I was 100% successful because my heart was not in the right place at first. Everyone knows I’m a tumblr-addict and I publicly announced that I wouldn’t be on tumblr. I like to keep my word and I don’t like to break promises or responsibilities, so that was my main motive for staying off tumblr. After a couple weeks, I decided to be straight with God. I am now doing daily QTs and hoping to finish reading the whole Bible by December 31st, 2011. The more I read the Word, the more I get angry at myself, at our church, and at the world. We don’t understand how faithful God is to us and how unworthy and bad we are. I get so angry that people are not striving to have a perfect relationship with God. It also makes me angry that I should not be the person to be judging. Who am I to judge when I’m facing the same trials? I’m really frustrated of our generation.

It’s been 1 day since I’ve been back on tumblr. I’m going craaaazzyy. I wasted so much time on tumblr. I skipped class. I was going to study and work out, but that didn’t happen because I was on tumblr. I didn’t eat (well I am on a starving-diet right now because I’m so fat) and because all the girls and celebrities on tumblr are so skinny. I was love-struck (again) and going gaga for Yonghwa. I think I might need to be off tumblr permanently, but that is such a scary thought.

I was looking back on my old self, and I wish I could be young again. I used to be so cute. I hope I’m still cute, if not cuter. ahaha jk. I think my personality got cuter (if you really get to know me). Yet at the same time, I definitely feel spiritually more mature even though I was more passionate when I was younger. I don’t know what I’m saying.

I really like Dan’s idea of recording where he is in the Bible after every blog post. It’s like digital accountability. I’m going to steal his idea. I definitely want to keep my word of finishing the Bible by the end of this year. Finishing the Bible in 8 months…. I’ve never attempted this before. I just hope I don’t get lazy and I really push through with this. And I’m also scared of failure.

[Exodus 2]

Uncertainty: Part I

It’s 7:30AM. I have been up all night and I’m not sleepy. I can’t seem to fall asleep, so I stayed up all night doing absolutely nothing. I wanted to study for my upcoming exam, but I couldn’t since I don’t have the textbook. I have to go to the library to read the textbook, but since its services end at midnight, I couldn’t go to the library to check the book out on reserve. I’m still debating if I should go to the library in an hour or skip my volunteering again. I know I’m going to want to crash soon…

I blame my mom that I’m still up. We got into a fight, again. She made me cry, so I just cried myself to sleep at 7:30PM. I was supposed to go study, but I can’t study if I’m depressed, so I fight off depression by starving myself and crying myself to sleep (ironic). Sorry I’m so emo. I woke up at 11:30PM because my fire alarm went off in my house and something was definitely burning. My roommate tried killing me once again. I almost died a couple times while living with my roommates. I opened my bedroom door and all I see is black smoke. I freaked out and in a split second I was wondering where all my valuables were. (Just in case, I needed to grab them and escape our burning house). I didn’t see any open flames, so I calmed down a little. But, it was pretty bad. I couldn’t see pass all the smoke and I thought I was going to die from carbon monoxide poisoning. I breathed in a lot of smoke and was just chilling in my smog-filled house because the smoke wouldn’t disappear even after all the ventilation. Since the stupid fire drama, I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I was crazy enough to cook rice at 4:00AM.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so irresponsible because of my sleep pattern, my sickness, my weak immune system, and my emotions.

On a side note: I realllyyy want a macbook and shoes and more clothes. I’m waiting for this phase to fade, but it’s been awhile now. I can never buy anything because I never have money. I don’t even have money to go home. What am I doing with my life…