Uncertainty: Part I

It’s 7:30AM. I have been up all night and I’m not sleepy. I can’t seem to fall asleep, so I stayed up all night doing absolutely nothing. I wanted to study for my upcoming exam, but I couldn’t since I don’t have the textbook. I have to go to the library to read the textbook, but since its services end at midnight, I couldn’t go to the library to check the book out on reserve. I’m still debating if I should go to the library in an hour or skip my volunteering again. I know I’m going to want to crash soon…

I blame my mom that I’m still up. We got into a fight, again. She made me cry, so I just cried myself to sleep at 7:30PM. I was supposed to go study, but I can’t study if I’m depressed, so I fight off depression by starving myself and crying myself to sleep (ironic). Sorry I’m so emo. I woke up at 11:30PM because my fire alarm went off in my house and something was definitely burning. My roommate tried killing me once again. I almost died a couple times while living with my roommates. I opened my bedroom door and all I see is black smoke. I freaked out and in a split second I was wondering where all my valuables were. (Just in case, I needed to grab them and escape our burning house). I didn’t see any open flames, so I calmed down a little. But, it was pretty bad. I couldn’t see pass all the smoke and I thought I was going to die from carbon monoxide poisoning. I breathed in a lot of smoke and was just chilling in my smog-filled house because the smoke wouldn’t disappear even after all the ventilation. Since the stupid fire drama, I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I was crazy enough to cook rice at 4:00AM.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so irresponsible because of my sleep pattern, my sickness, my weak immune system, and my emotions.

On a side note: I realllyyy want a macbook and shoes and more clothes. I’m waiting for this phase to fade, but it’s been awhile now. I can never buy anything because I never have money. I don’t even have money to go home. What am I doing with my life…

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