I can’t concentrate these days. I get easily distracted. Stupid internet.
I have been trying to finish up my ONE application to this summer research program out of the many others I still have to finish. Oh God at this rate, I’m not going to get accepted even though I would die to go there and participate in research… and I NEED more experience.
I have a love/hate relationship with writing.
I always thought I was good at writing before coming to college because everyone encouraged my writing skills, especially my teachers. Now that I think about it, maybe I was just better than the other Asians, but not much of a great writer to begin with. Or maybe I was a good high school writer, but those skills won’t last in the real world. I loved English writing, grammar, math, and science in high school. I even liked history. I don’t think there was any subject I didn’t like. I even loved Spanish and my vocabulary class. My least favorite subject was probably PE. haha. I truly enjoyed learning in high school, but I was super stressed all the time about grades, GPA, getting into Ivy leagues, SAT, SAT II, ACT, having enough extracurricular activities, etc.
Coming to college, I noticed that I was not a good writer at all. My professors gave me low marks and I honestly was really shocked. Since then, I told myself that I am bad at writing. I used to be good at math, but I forgot everything, so now I suck. Therefore, I gave up my dream to be an engineer. I’m not as good at science as I used to be. Seriously, then what the heck am I good at? Absolutely nothing…
I recently had an epiphany that I am not as smart as I thought I was. I never in my life thought I was a genius or intelligent, despite my parents always calling me 최박사 (Dr. Choi, PhD) growing up. I never thought I was stupid, even though I say it all the time (It’s like girls calling themselves fat when they really aren’t THAT fat, which I’m guilty of). Honestly, I thought I was a little better than average, but with a hard-working mindset, I would be able to achieve whatever I wanted. I realized that I’m actually dumb, but I feel like college made me this way, ironically.
I think college is unnecessary. I honestly did not learn anything in college. I would say I learned more in high school, if anything. If I did learn anything in college, it’s because I read the textbook. I think classes are unnecessary and professors don’t know crap. I’m just kidding. Professors are really smart, but they don’t know how to teach. I think professors should be professionally trained to teach, but we can’t change the American educational system, so whatever. Honestly, I feel like I am wasting another 4 years of my life. What I’m studying now, what I’m majoring now, the prerequisite courses that I am taking, I feel like all of that is a complete waste. They have no purpose in what I want to do ultimately. It’s just a way of weeding out all the dumb kids. Shouldn’t the education system promote learning and training for a better future, for a better career? Why is it that it is trying to kick everyone out?
I think I’m getting stupider by the day. My brain is filled with nothing, but Korean media. It’s ridiculous. I do really like to learn, but I hate all the unnecessary stuff that comes along with learning–grades, exams, etc. That’s why my ideal guy is an older male. Why? Because I can learn from him and his experiences. Anyways, that was pretty random. I think the only courses I enjoyed in college and actually learned something were my communication sciences and disorder classes. Too bad, I’m not taking any this semester, and that it’s only my minor.
I like to write in my blog because I can rant about my life or whatever is on my mind. For the most part, my blog is about me me me. However, when it comes to writing formal essays about me and why I want to become a doctor and why I want to participate in research, I don’t know what to write and I can’t concentrate. I mean, I’m still writing about myself, but I can’t think of anything to write, whereas I write continuous nonsense about myself all the time on my blog.