October 21st, 2010

On October 21st, 2010 Jane Choi almost died.

This week was hell week. I’ve had many hell weeks before, but for some reason I didn’t sleep at all this week. I just had so much material to study and I wanted to know everything (literally everything) and ace all my exams. By day 3 for my third exam, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I had leftover wings for breakfast… and I got a heartburn. I was fine during my 8:00AM class but for my 9:30AM class, I just couldn’t stay awake anymore. 3 sleepless nights were going to kill me. This is when I brought out my secret weapon: the double shot.

I chugged half of the can down. It’s a really small can. For 30 minutes I didn’t feel anything. AND THEN. My stomach was hurting a lot. It felt so acidic. I needed to throw up, but I kept it in because I didn’t want to disturb my small class. I was really debating if I should run out of class and go throw up, but I really didn’t want to make a ruckus. Then, my right side of my face started twitching like crazy. I couldn’t control it. This twitching lasted about a minute straight. Then I couldn’t hear anything because my ears were ringing. All the while, I needed to throw up, so I was covering my mouth to make sure my vomit doesn’t come out involuntarily. My professor seemed pretty annoyed by my actions. Then I looked down at my hands, and they completely turned white, even the pinks of my nails. I can’t image what my face color would have been. I literally thought I was going to faint and die at that moment. I was imagining being taken to the ER. However, I told myself that I can’t go to the ER because I don’t have money. Even in the moment of death, money is always on my mind. I somehow walked home after class, and I “passed” out. I woke up 2 hours later to finish studying for my exam. Because of those 2 hours of sleep, I wasn’t able to finish studying for neuroscience. I don’t know how I did on the exam because I went in not knowing all the material. Hopefully I did just fine though :(

Lesson that I learned: I am never drinking that double shot ever again. I drank double shot light before and it came in handy. However, this one almost killed me. Maybe it’s because I haven’t slept for 3 days and I had a heartburn on top of that. Now what energy drink will I drink? Practically nothing works for me anymore :(

That was one of the scariest moments of my life. Afterward, I slept for 15 hours. I am still not fully recovered.

Also, on this day, I found out that my childhood friend’s grandma passed away.

Courtney was my first friend ever. I met her when I was 6. We have been best friends until 5th grade. We lost touch until I found her on facebook 2 or so years ago. We were best friend neighbors, meaning I practically lived at her house. We were inseparable. Therefore, I have gotten to know her family so well. It was hard when we both moved away. I remember when I brought flowers over to her grandma to say goodbye and she hugged me and cried. She told me how she was going to miss me. Her grandma got diagnosed with cancer at that time, so I visited her a lot at the hospital and even when she came home. Being young, I really didn’t understand how serious cancer is, and I didn’t know why she was crying as she hugged me. That was the last time I saw her grandma.

I loved my friend’s grandma as much as I loved my own grandma. My grandma is my hero and was the biggest love of my life until she passed away. I loved my grandma more than my parents. So saying how much I loved my friend’s grandma is a great deal of love. She opened me up as a person. She loved me like her own grandchild even though I’m Korean. She always cared about me. I never knew this much affection could be possible outside of immediate family members. I practically lived at her house and was part of her family. I always spent Christmas/my birthday, thanksgiving, and any other major holidays at her house. She took me out a lot because my parents couldn’t, since they were always working. I got to experience growing up in an American family. I never knew that day when I gave her flowers was going to be the last time I would see her.

It’s been 10 years now. I’ve been hearing from my friend that her grandma has been fighting cancer for 10 years. Recently she got admitted to the nursing home because the hospital couldn’t stop her cancer from taking over. She took her final breath after suffering for so long. I wish I could have seen her one last time, showing her how much I have changed and grown since I was 10 years old. I wish I could have told her how much influence she had in my life, even though I never noticed it until now. I wanted to show her my love and gratitude because I didn’t express it enough back then.

Thank you for being so kind and loving and opening me up. I’m filled with sorrow and I’m crying so much right now. I wish I was able to share the love of Christ with you. I’m more sad now, then when my grandma passed away because I know my grandma is with Our Father and we will meet once again.

You are still one of my favorite people in my life, so thank you.

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