I am angry right now. I’m probably just PMSing. I just want to go beat something up. Sigh, I must stay calm. Since coming to college, I haven’t been able to put my anger or stress onto something else. I had to keep it in to appear sane. Most of the time I tried sleeping it off.
There’s nothing major that is making me angry. It’s just little things that pile up. I’m blaming it on TOM.
I HATE ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY FOR SPEECH, LANGUAGE, AND HEARING! stupid communication sciences and disorders. I came to Syracuse to pursue that major. I gave up neuroscience (my real interest) at Boston for CSD at Syracuse. I decided not to major in CSD but minor in it after thinking that biochemistry will prepare me more for medical school/research in science. Taking a CSD course first semester, I loved it. It was interesting and I liked going to class. Second semester, I decided to take the next CSD course offered: anatomy and physiology. I thought I would love anatomy and physiology since it’s dealing with the human body. I love studying about the human body. Right now, I HATE IT. It’s not even real A&P. It’s like only dealing with speech/hearing A&P, so I hate it. I’m failing the course (Asian/Jane standard failing), so I’m really angry about that and I’m really worried at the same time. I emailed my professor that I am very concerned about my grade and she told me that I’m not doing well in the course because I’m ALWAYS sleeping. For your information, I’m not ALWAYS sleeping. I doze off from time to time because the class is SO boring, I have no interest, and I’m always pulling all-nighters. That email pissed me off big time. I was thinking about emailing her back and telling her what I just said and that she shouldn’t be racist toward small-eyed Asians (do I have small eyes?), but I decided not to.
My dad told me that I shouldn’t stress over grades so much. Surprising because I do come from the typical “straight A’s only” family. So I decided that I wouldn’t let one little grade get to me. HOWEVER, my mom called yesterday that she got a letter from school. I obviously didn’t get an email notification or anything. The letter said that I must maintain a 3.4 GPA or better for me to not lose my scholarship. For my other scholarship, I need a minimum 2.75 GPA (which I already knew about) and I didn’t think much about it because I know I can definitely get over a 2.75. I assumed that the other scholarship would have the same policy. Anyways I’m really worried that I won’t get a 3.4 or higher this semester because I’m practically failing anatomy&physiology. Plus, the whole +/- system throws me off. I don’t know what to do. I’m honestly really scared of losing my scholarship.
I know it’s my own fault that I haven’t tried as hard as I should in school. I was still pretty prideful and cocky and my dislike for Syracuse kinda took control. Now I’m just hit with reality and have a lot of emotions just running around. I’m angry, I’m scared, I’m nervous, I’m about to have a mental breakdown, I want to quit, I want to go scream and beat something up, I want to drive really fast, I want to break something, I want to cry, I want to escape this place.
I’m so selfish, I know. I decided to recommit to God and I’m running away again.
Everything is my fault.