I am angry right now. I’m probably just PMSing. I just want to go beat something up. Sigh, I must stay calm. Since coming to college, I haven’t been able to put my anger or stress onto something else. I had to keep it in to appear sane. Most of the time I tried sleeping it off.

There’s nothing major that is making me angry. It’s just little things that pile up. I’m blaming it on TOM.

I HATE ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY FOR SPEECH, LANGUAGE, AND HEARING! stupid communication sciences and disorders. I came to Syracuse to pursue that major. I gave up neuroscience (my real interest) at Boston for CSD at Syracuse. I decided not to major in CSD but minor in it after thinking that biochemistry will prepare me more for medical school/research in science. Taking a CSD course first semester, I loved it. It was interesting and I liked going to class. Second semester, I decided to take the next CSD course offered: anatomy and physiology. I thought I would love anatomy and physiology since it’s dealing with the human body. I love studying about the human body. Right now, I HATE IT. It’s not even real A&P. It’s like only dealing with speech/hearing A&P, so I hate it. I’m failing the course (Asian/Jane standard failing), so I’m really angry about that and I’m really worried at the same time. I emailed my professor that I am very concerned about my grade and she told me that I’m not doing well in the course because I’m ALWAYS sleeping. For your information, I’m not ALWAYS sleeping. I doze off from time to time because the class is SO boring, I have no interest, and I’m always pulling all-nighters. That email pissed me off big time. I was thinking about emailing her back and telling her what I just said and that she shouldn’t be racist toward small-eyed Asians (do I have small eyes?), but I decided not to.

My dad told me that I shouldn’t stress over grades so much. Surprising because I do come from the typical “straight A’s only” family. So I decided that I wouldn’t let one little grade get to me. HOWEVER, my mom called yesterday that she got a letter from school. I obviously didn’t get an email notification or anything. The letter said that I must maintain a 3.4 GPA or better for me to not lose my scholarship. For my other scholarship, I need a minimum 2.75 GPA (which I already knew about) and I didn’t think much about it because I know I can definitely get over a 2.75. I assumed that the other scholarship would have the same policy. Anyways I’m really worried that I won’t get a 3.4 or higher this semester because I’m practically failing anatomy&physiology. Plus, the whole +/- system throws me off. I don’t know what to do. I’m honestly really scared of losing my scholarship.

I know it’s my own fault that I haven’t tried as hard as I should in school. I was still pretty prideful and cocky and my dislike for Syracuse kinda took control. Now I’m just hit with reality and have a lot of emotions just running around. I’m angry, I’m scared, I’m nervous, I’m about to have a mental breakdown, I want to quit, I want to go scream and beat something up, I want to drive really fast, I want to break something, I want to cry, I want to escape this place.

I’m so selfish, I know. I decided to recommit to God and I’m running away again.

Everything is my fault.


One thought on “Rant

  1. hey jane, it’s not your fault. at the same time, you have choices to make. things will be okay, i promise. if you’re angry/sad/want to beat someone/something up, that’s okay. i just want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with feeling/thinking a certain way. you can talk to me whenever you want. don’t put yourself through a guilt trip. i mean yeah, God is important and christianity gives us hope and whatnot but it doesn’t mean you can’t come clean and be real with yourself. just be honest and true to yourself. it’ll be okay, i promise. just hang on for 15 more days.

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