Is the instinct to live greater than the desire to die?


Hello New Year

2014 is the year I want to finish reading the bible from cover to end, well chronologically.
I’ve failed multiple times, but I’m trying again.

The real reason I’m updating this dead blog is because I want to remember this quote from someone in my dream…

Remembering a dream is a souvenir from this world.

I don’t know if my mind is deep or being completely ludicrous.

[Job 6]


Oh, Hi. If I still have any readers out there. I’m back for this one post.

I finished this drama a couple of weeks ago and I would have to say it brought back so much happy, carefree memories of the past.


Yes, the setting of this drama is in 1997 and I was only seven years old, but it still hits me in different ways because it’s relatable to my life when I was 14.

The whole cute first-love in high school story: I can’t relate to that.

But being a fan girl: Oh yes.

I used to the biggest fan girl even up until last year at age 21… but that all stopped when my boyfriend started to get really jealous of my love for different boys… I secretly still love all of them in my heart. Just don’t tell the boyfriend.

I was a little too young for HOT, but I do remember when I used to like Moon Hee Jun when I was 7. My first Kpop love was Yoo Seung Jun and he will still always be my “영원한 오빠” regardless of being kicked out of Korea and wherever he is now. I would have to say I was the biggest fan girl for Shinhwa and Dong Bang Shin Ki. Those two groups… I went well out of my way to be a very dedicated fan. It’s funny because when the drama goes into 2005, this one character is part of the fanclub: Cassiopeia–the one I’ve always wanted to join, but couldn’t because I’m not a Korean citizen. Some people may know, I used to be part of DBSK’s international fan club and I wrote them fan letters, sent money, and downloaded every single performance and show they were in. I can relate to the main girl’s parents because they said the same exact words to me: 미친년. Before DBSK, there was Shinhwa. I was also part of their international fan club and was very active in the forums…

I thought I would never grow out of this phase because I always move on to like new boys. However, one day you become an “adult” and move on with life. I am not ashamed of once being an excessive fangirl. Never will be.

Oh how I love all of those beepers and cellphones in the drama. My dad used to have a beeper and cellphone business in Chicago long long time ago. My dad had countless beepers and my mom would make me, a little kid, page him almost every day. My dad also had the ginormous cell phone in 1997. My dad used to be hip with the new technology back in the 90s, but now he’s just confused with the rapid change and innovation in technology.

Let’s reminisce about Tomagachi’s. I had a couple Tomagachi’s and the American version–Nano. I used to drive my mom crazy because I wouldn’t sleep at night; I had to feed my pets and baby. I really want to buy one again after the drama.

Overall I loved this drama. I’ll probably go watch it again. I loved all the characters and trying to figure out who is the ultimate couple, who is the daddy, etc. Some scenes were sad, sentimental, and funny. The whole pornography in the 90s is hilarious. I remember when my family had one line for the internet and phone, so I would get disconnected from the internet all the time when the phone goes off. It’s hilarious that it took people so long for one pornographic image to load onto their computer screens. This drama depicted that all boys/men are very into pornography. Never knew…

So now go watch this drama. Ah I love this couple:



I should update this blog more often. I feel like I have no time these days. I’m at school for the majority of my day, and in the evenings, I just rest with Charlie, usually watching mindless cable TV. Then the day is over, and the cycle repeats itself.

Today I’m doing homework on a Thursday night. It’s been awhile since I’ve done work on the “weekend.”

I feel so lonely, even if I’m surrounded by people. Sometimes I don’t like people. That’s when I try to block out reality by watching a Korean drama. This is just one of those lonely nights where I need people, but I don’t like people to have the desire to interact with them.

This is a good time to pray and seek God, I suppose. My spiritual life hasn’t been going to well. Somewhere down the road, I’ve failed.

Dear God,

Help me to long for you. I’m so disappointed in people. I’m disappointed in myself. I’m not really happy with anything. I feel a great sense of loneliness. I need you back into my heart.

In Jesus name,


Don’t Be Alone

When you have a boyfriend, things can get dramatic. For the past months we have been together, I feel like I’m living in a Korean drama (Boys over Flowers).

Yesterday I was sitting alone at Thornden Park around 11:00am. Don’t ask why I was there alone. I knew the park was dangerous at night, but I’ve been there during the day numerous times, so I didn’t think much of it. I have been walking alone at odd hours of the night 2, 3, 4am by myself for the past years, and I’ve never been scared. Nothing bad can happen to me, I thought.

As I was sitting there yesterday, a creepy old white man in a broken-down brown car drove by me. He put his whole head and arm out of the car window to holler and smile at me. I was so creeped-out and scared that I got teary. He parked his car right after. I almost got raped yesterday.

Fortunately, my boyfriend comes to the rescue at the appropriate moment.

My life has so many similarities to a drama. Now I just refer my boyfriend as Goo Jun Pyo.

Bottom line of this post: Girls please be careful. Don’t ever walk or sit alone, especially in a dangerous park. Maybe I’m just the idiot.


Bloods and Crips

Urban dictionary defines them as:

People who lack the mental power to read. Having this mental disability causes them to lash out at other people with the same disability. They have to wear colors to recognize who is on their side because they cannot tell friends from enemies. They pretend to be tough but are such big pussies they will not go anywhere without a large number of people wearing the same colors.

HAHA on all seriousness, I never knew about gangs until yesterday.

I’m very sheltered compared to my boyfriend. I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago all my life. I never went anywhere else but school, hakwon, library, church, and the mall. Very typical Korean student. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was a bad boy getting into fights all the time in Virginia. He knows a lot of people who are part of gangs, but he never joined one himself. For me, gangs were something I read about in books.

After playing basketball at 12:30am, we went to a random gas station in downtown Syracuse. He almost got robbed and shot yesterday when some Bloods came up to him after he pulled out his Burberry wallet. They exchanged profane insults, then we drove off like crazy. I was so clueless as to what was going on. He told me all about the Bloods and Crips and their teardrop tattoos and their colored-bandanna fashion. Apparently in Virginia, no Blood member can touch him since he is a fighter himself, but Syracuse is a different story.

Now I’m scared after this encounter with a gang O_O

The New Year

It’s that time of year again. 2011 is ending and 2012 is nearing.

I am making two new years resolution:

1. Finish the Bible in 1 year.

2. Be nicer to the people around me.

I planned to finish the Bible in 8 months. I was on a good streak for 2 months, but I have failed miserably. This year I will make it happen.

I need to be nicer to my parents. I’m a really bad daughter to them. I will also be nicer to my boyfriend. I’m sometimes mean to him. Heh I will possibly write more about him in the near future.

May this year be more fruitful as we seek and be more faithful to our Lord.

Writer’s Block

As you can tell, I have not been blogging as frequently as before. WordPress has changed, so it took me awhile to even figure out how to write a new entry.

I think I’ve been a lot more secretive these days. I tend to share a lot of things on my blog, but this was before I realized there are a lot of people who actually read my blog secretly.

I have been busy, so I’ve been on the internet less. I’m still always on facebook and twitter, but I limited myself to tumblr and my blog.

I don’t know if I am comfortable with sharing things anymore. Once I get over this phase, I’ll be back rambling about my life.

I will be back soon.

Please pray for me as I have been slacking a lot in my relationship with God and school…